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i just watched some videos of yundi li playing at the 2000 international chopin piano competition. i used to have this distant dream of being a concert pianist many years ago watching people like yundi perform at such competitions and concerts, until reality set in once again.

now, being reminded of it again, i suddenly feel lost, that all i am looking forward to is to achieve the success as defined by the society in singapore. and it's sad that there isn't really something else that i want to achieve so badly anymore.

all the complaints about singapore being too materialistic and pragmatic a society were never really more than passing comments to me. maybe that's because i was lucky to be able to make it to the end of all my pre-university education here in singapore without mishap, so it never did seem like anything would go wrong. over the last two years of sats, essays and university applications, i had to give my future some thought and imagine what life would possibly turn out to be like. it was already in me to choose the path that would lead me to well paying jobs and potentially a high flying career. and strangely, there was no hesitation in doing so at all. it was as if i wanted it.

if there was any good in doing so, i would blame society for the brainwash. how did i ever become so eager to achieve something so uninteresting and perhaps meaningless? well aware of the irony, i am unable to get it out of me. it has become a need; i look around me and at my friends and all i see are future doctors, lawyers, engineers and bankers. millionaires in the making. that makes me wonder where i would be if were to take my life and career in another direction, but i dare not imagine.

life seems to be more under control when:
1. my desk is neat
2. my email inbox has been sorted out

strange

i need
1. a break
2. something to look forward to

its fortunate that the stuff i do everyday for ns isn't physically demanding, nor is it tough on the mind. but too much of the same thing for a long time really drains me. i get much more sleep than i could wish for but i still feel like a zombie every time i wake up. i really hope my september holiday plans materializes. it is frightening to imagine that my life, in, say, 5 years time till i retire, could be like that. or perhaps not, maybe i just have zero interest in the things i do everyday in camp.

although i can't wait for my ord to come, i have this really bad feeling that i am going to feel lost after that. not that i have a sense of direction in me right now, it's just that i don't have a choice, so i'm actually disillusioned and all i can see and think about is getting out first. thankfully, there is still time to think about and make plans for the 8 months that i will have. but i dread that in all, it'll be less awesome than expected and turn out to be a massive drag;recently i've been feeling very impatient about my life and i just can't wait to start school, graduate, start working and just settle down in my career and life.

i registered for my sats again. AGAIN. i've been through this stupid dilemma twice, or maybe thrice, and every time i've decided to take the more convenient way out and just stick to going to the uk. but this time i've decided to just give it a shot anyway. i'm gonna take my sat subject tests as well and i will submit my very first us college application. however unexciting, i still consider it a breakthrough.

i really really really cannot wait for my ord. i long for my freedom. i wanna go travel and see the world. 159 days!

it's a pity that history is history, and i will never live to see the day that mankind discovers the truth behind the mysteries of this universe. this is such a boring age, at least from where i'm looking at things. think ima try make lots of money.

right now the only thing keeping me alive and sane is the excitement of going to london next year, although that is still more than a year away and it could possibly turn out to be a painful wait. but nevertheless i'm still looking forward to it very much. the idea of going away and starting a new chapter in this life has always been very enticing. i'm rather sick of this place for now, and there are so many things i wanna run away from. truth is i don't know what they all really are, some are trivial, some feel like perpetual eyesores and they all add up to an immense amount of clutter in my life. i rarely feel at peace these days. it's crazy.

bumping into exgirlfriends isn't really a pleasant thing. especially when the breakup was one hell of a roller coaster ride. but it's been quite some time since that happened and i thought nothing worse than the whole post-breakup emotional saga could happen. but i was wrong. i bumped into her last night, and there was this sudden flashback of good memories for one short moment. then the feeling after that was absolutely wtfffff. i came home wallowing in self pity for and heard myself in my head screaming WHAT HAVE I DONE. thankfully i had no trouble getting to sleep.

love this ad.

damn. recently it seems as though all my thoughts are in a whirlpool. i think of things and ideas but they all have no form. there bits and pieces strewn all over the place which i can't get together.

i don't know how pleasurable eating can get when it reaches the point of discomfort. at bcp dinners, halfway through the dinner you'll see that another sumptuous meal has been served. this usually happens twice. and they'd be still ordering more food wtff.

of all the buskers, beggars and tissue paper aunties i've seen, there isn't one like this old lady. today's the third time i've seen her and her little stall along orchard road, which is nothing more than a small blanket with random things that she was selling, a few packets of instant cereal, two batteries and other miscellaneous items. like the previous two times, i couldn't help but to be a little more charitable towards her.

i rarely donate out of my heart. for the buskers, if they're really awesome or if they're playing something i like to hear, i'll give them some coins. for the cip hour deprived school kids with the tin cans, it's really because it just feels like the correct thing to do when you're approached even though there's nothing wrong with not doing so.

today when i walked past this old lady i was listening to music and because there was this momentum about listening to music and walking down the street plus the laziness of stopping to take out my wallet inconveniently with one hand holding the ipod, i didn't stop at all. but after that there seemed to be this voice crying out to me to turn back and give her some money. it felt like i might just cry if i just walked on. very very strange.

maybe it's the whole 'helpless' image. honestly, and not in a condescending way, when you see this old lady and her 'stall', the first word that comes to your mind is pathetic, or a synonym- along with pity. which makes you feel so compelled to help her. and the impact of this sight is a pretty strong one. it left me thinking how life has treated this old lady unfairly, and unlike other times, i was making such a statement (although just in my mind) with conviction. but then again, what more could i do than to offer her a few dollars and continue walking?

it just came to mind that charity is an optional plug in for capitalism which really needs patching and open source editing. lol. but i'm making a serious point here.

2008 was boring but subtly pleasant. meeting people from all over the place was the best experience.

the hours leading to 09 felt very different from that of previous new years. maybe it's the monotony and quiteness of 08 that makes me anticipate 09 so much for i feel that it is such a promising new year for what i have planned for myself.

honestly, in the process of growing up, i am intimidated by countless things and ideas. big ones. firstly, just imagining how vast this world is is scary. just think of it. how russia spans 11 time zones and what it'd be like to travel across it, what it'll feel like to be in the middle of the ocean or desert and being not able to see the end of it. not just thinking of what it would look like but to picture yourself being physically in these places.

the same happens when i come across new people. the extremely rich. talented, intelligent, people who come from totally different backgrounds as i do; the homeless and gangsters, or the people who exist in places i would never picture myself to be.

having grown accustomed to what i have already been exposed to, each time i see something new, bigger or different, i am totally taken aback. i used to have thess dreams when i was very young: i would be working on something. likely to be building something. then suddenly i would think about the whole 'project' and realise how big it was, like building a satellite with just a screwdriver, and be filled with fear. it was somewhat a nightmare. the images were very unclear and abstract, leaving me with no clue at all what the whole dream was about. the dreams, as blurry as they were, could come in many contexts but it was all along that line. it made me feel as though no matter how hard i tried i would never match up to the scale of whatever i was pursuing.

i'm glad today is over. it was long. i've just cleaned and polished my flute. gonna put it aside for a while now.

music, especially in the context of a band or an ensemble of any sort is not rewarding 99% of the time. it's easy to understand how everyone's parts form the big picture, but you rarely see or hear it. it takes loads of determination for one to keep going strong till the end, the concert day when everybody's effort is recognised. and right now, that isn't me.

things are getting very dreary. i don't have much motivation these days to put in any effort like i used to. i still love playing in a band and playing my flute. but right now i just wanna take a long break from all that.

december is always the most anticipated month of the year, and once again it is here and already more than halfway through. it is the most pleasant time of the year. the weather here isn't too harsh, the decorations, the crowded streets and malls and especially the christmas music which never fails to set the mood right.

it is just the right time to be happy and nice. gawd i love christmas. happy holidays :)

i just came back from japan. the people there are nothing short of pleasant. everybody seems to be polite. the service there is really excellent you have to experience it to believe it. even though i couldn't understand 99% of the things they were saying. everything else was pretty cool as well.

the only thing was the tour. tours are really boring. it takes away the whole point of the holiday i think. i felt restricted with no freedom at all. understandably in a foreign place it's more appropriate to go along with a tour group and a guide, but having to wake up early and following schedules suck. especially on a holiday. but well it was a good break that felt like 3 weeks.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS i love it how time flies 2009 is coming. so is 2010.

the esplanade is a really awesome place. each time i've been there to listen to a concert or to perform, the hall fascinates me all the same. especially the dead silence of the empty hall.

backstage is better. it is a gallery. i was really tempted to steal the photo frames on the walls with the many artistes' autographs this time. i had too much time to spend loitering around backstage today.

sitting on stage with an audience is rather affirming, believing that someone out there is thinking that you're doing great. it's a postive energy that the audience radiates to the performers. it's motivation for more effort to go into practices, which really makes sense to me. i have not experienced that in a while. each time after a concert, philyouths take too long a break and all is lost. i rarely touch my flute these days. the braces are another thing. dang

i'm getting my sleep cycle back. the only thing left about shift is facing the fact that realising on every other day, i'm back in base again. that makes weekends all the more precious because getting two nights in a row in my own bed just rocks. the numbing routine is disrupted and it's two days of surrealism. i love getting high on that.

i think it'd be great to have my own set of wheels. i'd take it out on random nights and roam the city. on the way home today i took a different route just to cruise and to let everything outside go by just like that. the lights and all the bustling night life along the streets. it's awesome to chill and empty everything that's clogging up my mind. just a great way to end the day.

just read my old entries. nostalgia is always nice. and all of a sudden it all becomes so surreal, to think that so much has changed. like wow. i'm just gonna reflect a little for that mellow feeling once again :)

i haven't gotten yundi li's (not so) new recordings of prokofiev and ravel, which i really wanted to listen to.

i thanked my parents. this one is about half done. i wrote a card to them on my birthday this year after 2 years of wanting to do it, and made breakfast for my mom's birthday. my first attempt at pancakes worked out pretty well. i've really learnt to appreciate them (parents, not pancakes), and my family more. they aren't ideal, but definitely awesome.

i have not explored more places on foot/my bicycle. this is/was really fun. but i think it's escapism that i enjoyed more then. which is probably why the thought of doing that again doesn't come to me now on even the most boring of days. there's nothing much to escape from, and life is just okay without any ups or downs. i miss the sad times and wallowing in self pity, and that was when sleep felt the best. another form of escapism, even though it was hard falling asleep.

i used to, and still, think that life is like a jigsaw puzzle. sounds cliche, so that is all i'll say about it. but sadly, in all these cliche quotes, lies truth. well at least for the dude who said it.

music. my old ipod and hard disk crashed. and seems like my soul has gone away with them. i used to listen to classical music mostly, which most of my friends find me weird for. and little people understand me when i start talking to them about the joys of it and this whole imagery thing which is the very reason i appreciate classical music. you could be looping the same piece a hundred times and it can sound totally different each time. that was the fun part, waiting for those random moments when the music could just make your hair stand. now my new ipod has little classical music and life is pretty different. without drowning myself in it, i'm missing those magical moments, and now playing the piano seems technical even with my favourite pieces. the magic is lost.